All posts by Andrew

Firearms Every Beginning Gun Owner Should Have

January 17, 2015 Andrew 3 Comments

In the last couple years, the prepping, doomsday preppers, and bug-out-bags have entered the common American vernacular. Shows like Doomsday Preppers, The Colony, Walking Dead, and Falling Skies have all catapulted the ‘end of the world’ to the forefront of pop culture. Zombies make for great entertainment, and we can’t help but scream at the TV and debate how each of us would be the best survivor in the post-apocalyptic world.

Guns are by no means the solution to end all solutions in an apocalyptic world. But they are a good place to start, and a lot of people have been getting into firearms lately, especially in light of political attempts to ban and restrict them.

Short and Sweet

This list is not super long, and that’s intentional. I can give you a list of 30 guns I think are ‘totally bad ass’ but it wouldn’t help.

Most people can’t afford dozens of firearms
Most people don’t have the space to store dozens of firearms.
Even if you do have the money and space, how many guns can you physically carry with you on foot at one time?

If you’re new to firearms, looking to build your arsenal, and you’re in North America, this is a short, sweet, and practical list of firearms to start your collection with.

Criteria

Forget the spinning rims. Here is the criteria I used when deciding what made the cut.

You want a firearm that is going to be:

Reliable
Durable
Useful
Practical
Accurate
Easy to find replacement parts for
Easy to find ammunition and magazines for

Right off the bat, this list eliminates a lot of the firearms and rounds on the market. Sorry, no Uzis, Desert Eagles, flamethrowers, or grenade launchers.

9mm Luger

Firearm Type: Pistol

9mm — I own a Sig 2022. It was around $460.

Also commonly known as 9mm Parabellum, this round is the screwdriver in your tool belt. The 9mm is not the biggest round on the block, but it will tear through most heavy clothing and drop bodies just fine, though it might take a well-aimed follow up shot or two depending on the target and distance. If stopping power has you worried, that’s what God invented hollow points for.

What full metal jacket 9mm’s lack in stopping power, they make up for in carrying capacity. 9mm’s are considerably smaller than their 40, 45, and revolver counterparts, making it easier to carry large quantities of them, whether in your ruck, or in your magazine. California regulations aside, most 9mm handguns hold anywhere from 13-18 rounds with non-extended magazines.

If you know a gun owner, you know gun owner who owns a 9mm. Yes, in public, the 9mm is the butt of all jokes, but in all seriousness it’s a must have. It’s readily available, easy for women and children to handle, accurate, easily reloadable, and lethal.

Notable 9mm Luger Firearms:

Sig Sauer P-Series (P226, P2022)
Glock 19, Glock 17
Springfield Hi-Power
Beretta 92FS / Military Beretta M9
Springfield XD-9

.45 ACP

Firearm Type: Pistol

Considered the king of pistols many. At the very least, the 1911 is the grandfather of the modern pistol.

Quit your belly aching already. All the .45 loons reading this probably had a coronary that 9mm was listed first. The .45 hasn’t been around for over a hundred years for nothing. It’s a tried and tested round that has seen combat on several continents. It is the measuring tape of your tool belt, and for many 1911 enthusiasts, the round by which all other rounds are measured.

The 9mm’s older and much bigger brother, the .45, will ruin anyone’s day. Layers of clothing won’t deter this determined round, and it’ll even fight through plywood, 2x4s, and small appliances to reach its intended target.

Not quite as common as the 9mm, the .45 is still commonplace in American households and never in short supply at the local gun store. In hollow point form one shot is all you need to make your point.

But be warned. Most .45 handguns have a naturally limited magazine capacity of 7-8 rounds, making them not much better than a revolver. You have half the lead, so make every shot count, and don’t bet on suppressive fire.

Notable .45 ACP Firearms

1911 .45 ACP
HK45
Glock 21
Springfield XD-45

By The Way

You’ll notice I did not mention .40 SW, and numerous other rounds, like .357 Sig. .40 caliber is an in between round that brides the gap between 9mm and .45 ACP. Smaller than a .45 letting you carry more rounds, but packing more punch than a 9mm, the .40 has a cult following. The problem is that outside of law enforcement, .40 SW is not very common. Of the 50 or so gun owners I know, just two own a .40 SW, and lo and behold, they both work for the Border Patrol. In my experience, its on-shelf availability is unpredictable, it costs as much as .45, and hardly anyone owns one making magazine changeability impossible. They might be great during times of peace, but in times of OH S**T, you’re better off with a 9mm or .45 ACP.

12 Gauge

Firearm Type: Shotgun

I don’t quote Joe Biden often (or ever), but he had a point. Just get a shotgun. I don’t mean to be sexist here, but women and kids probably shouldn’t be firing a 12 gauge without many hours of instruction. To the uninitiated, shotguns, and 12 gauges especially, have a lot of kick.

The shotgun is the electric drill of your firearms tool belt. Shotguns are very multifaceted and come in handy in a wide range of situations.

Shotguns have 3 main types of ammunition: bird shot, buck shot, and slugs. Bird shot is great for hunting, you guessed it, birds. Buck shot is great for hunting bucks. Are you catching on yet? And slugs are great for killing anything, including Orcas. Shot guns are great for hunting, close quarter combat, and shooting through walls, locks and hinges.

12 gauge is EVERYWHERE, it’s always in stock, it’s always dirt cheap, and everyone has one. If the crap hits the fan and you can’t find any at the gun store, you’ll be able to find it on the street very easily. Not to mention, shotguns themselves are incredibly inexpensive. A very good shotgun can be bought, new, for $350-$500 at Big 5, when not on sale.

Notable 12 Gauge Firearms:

Mossberg 500, 930 and 935
Benelli, various
Remington 1100, 11-87
Remington 870
Winchester Super X Pump

By The Way

Again, you may have noticed I did not mention 20 gauge, and other shotgun varieties. 20 gauges area hoot and half to go trap shooting with. But availability is also the Achilles heel of the non-12 gauge varieties.

.223 / 5.56

Firearm Type: Rifle, and occasionally pistol

15 years ago, owning an AR15 made you something of a celebrity amongst your gun owning friends. These days, everyone has one, or ever three, and for good reason: they work.

True, a good AR15 might run you $800 – $1,500, but their essence is in their modularity. No two AR15’s are the same, and you can customize them to fit your specific needs. The backbone of the AR15 is the ammunition it uses.

.223 Remington, also known as the 5.56 NATO, is a great round. It’s been used by the US military since the 1960’s in every military campaign we’ve been in since. It’s accurate, long range, has adequate stopping power, is astonishingly inexpensive, and it quite possibly grows on trees.

AR15s are everywhere too, meaning there are tons of replacement parts available. The AR15/.223 is a very low recoil firearm and very light weight, making it an ideal choice for women and children.

Good enough to hunt with, and cheap enough to train with, AR15’s are great for just about everything. .223 is great for hunting anything from rabbits to medium sized deer, and people. Tougher targets can be taken down by steel core armor piercing rounds, for about the same cost. For their cost, availability, accuracy, and modularity, there is no gun/caliber combination on the market that will give you a better bang for your buck than an AR15.

Notable .223 Firearms

AR15 based platform
Ruger Mini-14
Remington 700

By The Way

AR type rifles come in many calibers, including 9mm, .40SW,.45ACP, .22LR, .308, and dozens of specialty rounds, making it the single most modular weapons platform ever designed.

.22 LR

Firearm Type: Pistol, Revolver, Rifle

Last, not least, but definitely the smallest, is the ever popular .22 LR (Long rifle).

Not only should every gun owner have a .22, this should probably be the first firearm you own. .22 rifles and ammunition are very inexpensive. Ammo can easily be bought in bulk. As of January 2015, a ‘brick’ of 550 rounds is about $20 at Big 5, and it’s called a brick because it can fit in your hand.

.22’s are great for firearm introduction, training, recreational shooting, and hunting small game such as rabbits, squirrels, foxes, and birds. They are very light weight, have virtually no recoil, and therefore make great firearms for women and children. The first firearm I ever shot was my dad’s Ruger 10-22, around the age of 5.

The .22 has so many strong points it’s probably easier and shorter to name its drawbacks. In fact, there are really only three drawbacks to the .22LR; lack of stopping power for large targets, jamming, and not reloadable. If you don’t reload, and if you are smart enough to not take on a gang of marauders with nothing but a .22, that really only leaves jamming.

So, to summarize, .22LRs are inexpensive, great for training, can be used for hunting varmints, incredibly accurate out to 100 yards, quiet, low recoil, easy to shoot, incredibly fun, very readily available, and can be used for many rifles, pistols, and revolvers making it very versatile, and so small that you can carry hundreds of them without much effort or fatigue. Just make sure to clean them often, and have a side arm handy should they jam on you.

Notable .22LR Firearms

Ruger 10-22 (Rifle)
Marlin Model 60 (Rifle)
Ruger Single Six (Revolver)
Ruger Mark Series (Pistol)
“AR-22”, an AR-15 based rifle that shoots .22LR, or an actual AR-15 with a .22 conversion kit. This allows you to have 2-in-1.

Conclusion

Note, this is not a list of “best guns ever”. This was a list of practical firearms that people in North America should start their collections with, which is very different. In the event society collapses and Americans are left to fend for themselves, 9mm, .45ACP, 12 gauge, .223 and .22LR are going to be the most readily available forms of ammunition out there. If you have a firearm chambered in one of these that you have trained with, these are your best bets. Yes, there are other guns and other rounds, but in an emergency you want a gun you are familiar with, and know how to operate, so being trained in something that is universal is key.

Afterthoughts and Honorable Mentions

7.62×39

Firearm Type: Rifle

ak47 — The AK47 is a never-fail, robust tool of awesome.

If there is ever a war fought on American soil, 5.56 is the round you’ll find the most of on the American battlefield, because of it’s widespread use by the U.S. military. And in the event such a war happens, our enemies will likely be using 7.62×39, as this is the ammo of choice for Russia, China, North Korea, and most of the United States geo-political foes. The 7.62 is not the best round. It’s as likely to key holes it is to spiral, and it isn’t the most accurate round out there, but it packs a punch and tears through wood, concrete, and flesh.

Notable 7.62×39 Firearms

AK-47
SKS
Saiga AKS
Ruger Mini-30

.308 Winchester and .30-06 Springfield (tie)

Firearm Type: Rifle

When you graduate from shooting .223s, you can upgrade to a 30 caliber variety. While the .308 and .30-06 (pronounced thirty-ought-six) are very different rounds, they share a lot of overlap in terms of their usefulness. Both are large rounds, have been battle tested, incredibly accurate well past 500 yards, and will take down any game on the North American continent. Some of the best rifles ever designed are chambered in .308 and .30-06, such as the Springfield M1A/M14 and the M1 Garand, respectively.

Notable .308 Firearms

Springfield M1A and M14
AR10 Variants
FN-FAL
Savage Axis 308

Notable .30-06 Firearms

M1 Garand
Remington 700, 760, 7000
Savage Axis 30-06

Life, Movies, Society

The Cold Hard Truth about Beauty and the Beast

January 10, 2015 Andrew 2 Comments

Okay, let’s set the record straight on Beauty and the Beast. I loved the Disney movie since I was a kid, but come to think of it, I have a bone to pick with a few things.

Despite common misconceptions, Gaston is not the villain in Beauty and the Beast. In fact, some might even argue he was the unsung hero of the movie. Yeah, maybe he’s a weeeee bit misogynistic and self centered, but to say he’s the villain of the movie is definitely over reaching.

For in town there's only she, who's as beautiful as me. — For in town there’s only she, who’s as beautiful as me.

Let’s get down to business.

He has Good Manners

Oh, you thought Gaston was rude? You’re so ignorant. Read a book already. While your bigoted self was bumping along to Belle, you may have missed the part where Gaston exhibited his amazing manners “Pardon… ‘Scuse me… Please let me through”

He’s Faithful

True, he never successfully wooed Belle, but he was faithful to the idea of being in a relationship with her. At the very least, it’s safe to say he wasn’t a philanderer. Remember those three banging blonde chicks who were always drooling all over him? Gaston could have had any of them, or all of them, but instead he had his sights fixed on Belle and only Belle. Is that true love or what?

He’s Strong

He can lift three women above his head, with one arm. You won’t even find a Cirque De Solei performer who can do that.

He can break a leather belt by flexing his neck muscles. Leather, by the way, has a tensile strength of 1800 PSI, and those are conservative estimates.

And what about the casual one-hand push-ups?

He even went toe-to-toe with the Beast in hand to hand combat.

He’s Not Afraid of Commitment

Most women complain that men aren’t willing to commit to a long term relationship. Gaston proposed to Belle and even threw her a wedding, and despite customs he knew her family was struggling financially so he paid for the entire thing himself. Talk about chivalry.

He’s Very Talented

He can juggle up to six eggs at a time without cracking them, plus an egg basket.

He's roughly the size of a barge. — He’s roughly the size of a barge.

He’s got a good vocabulary. Do you know what expectorating means?

He can fire a musket three times without reloading, which is actually impossible. So on top of everything else, Gaston might be magical.

He’s a Pillar of the Community

It’s quite clear that all the villagers look up to Gaston, not only as a source of leadership, but as a source of protection. He’s arguably the best hunter in the world, and it’s his job to keep the villagers safe from wolves, criminals, and other dangers.

Imagine this scenario. The townsfolk find out there is a dangerous monster who is beating and starving women, and locking people in dungeons. He already has two victims under his belt, and who’s to say there won’t be more?

Gaston bravely leaps into action, rallying the town and summoning their courage to confront the monster threatening their town. Does Paul Revere ring a bell?

The British are- er... the Beast is coming! — The British are- er… the Beast is coming!

And more importantly, let’s not forget who asked Gaston to go to the castle and rescue Belle from the Beast. It was Belle’s father, Maurice.

The Beast is no Saint

Beast may have got the girl in the end, but just because he was romantically opposed to Gaston doesn’t suddenly make him the hero of the movie. While people say Gaston tried to imprison Belle and Maurice, it was more like house arrest. After all, they were placed in their own basement, and for a few minutes at most.

Let’s not forget that the Beast successfully imprisoned both of them, and kept Maurice a prisoner for weeks. Beast only agreed to free Maurice go, if Belle agreed to take his place, with the intention that one day the Beast might get some giggidy time with her. That’s not just sexual harassment, it’s quite possibly sexual predation.

Gaston is the bad guy? Riiiiiiggghhhhhttt.

And of course there is the physical abuse, the forced starvation, the verbal abuse, the elder abuse, and the horrible work conditions suffered upon his employees. Come to think of it, the Beast is actually an asshole.

What about Belle?

On one hand, she had Gaston. A local boy who worked hard and trained to master the art of manliness and become the ideal provider and protector any woman would dream of. He constantly threw himself at Belles feet only to be rejected repeatedly.

Yay! Spousal abuse is totally worth wealth and luxury!

In the end, Belle choose a man who was abusive in every way conceivable. Why? Because he’s filthy rich, and lives in a giant house with maids and servants to spoil her rotten.

That should come as no surprise to anyone. Here’s a clue, in the opening scene/song of the movie, Belle refers to living in a “poor provincial town” and talks about how she despises it. So Belle doesn’t like poor people, and she considers anyone from a small town to be a hillbilly idiot. Bigot much?

In conclusion, Belle is an entitled, classist, gold digging whore, and Gaston is the fucking man.

Culture, Life, Pop Culture, Society, Technology

In With the New?

January 4, 2015 Andrew Leave a comment

I swear, I’m not against change. You might think I am, but I’m not. Change can be good, change can be bad. I don’t think it’s quite accurate to make the blanketed statement “change is good”. I think change is just change, and good or bad depends on the situation.

Some people can be way too anti-change when it comes to certain things, for example changing their underwear, or apartheid. But nowadays I feel like the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction, and now people are aching for change simply for the sake of change. They want new for the sake of new.

I don’t know if it’s a generational thing, or simply a contemporary societal thing, but whatever it is, I’ve noticed that more and more people are adhering to the out with the old, in with the new mentality. They’ve fallen for the whole ‘new and improved’ bit. But truth be told, new isn’t always improved and sometimes changing things too often or too hastily can be detrimental.

Technology

People are constantly burning through technology and replacing it with something newer. People say “OMG! I can’t wait to get the new iPhone 6!” but in other words they are saying “I can’t wait to get rid of my iPhone 5”.

There’s nothing wrong with upgrading from time to time, but if you have owned every. single. iPhone. that’s been released you might have a problem.

Imagine that at one point you were excited enough to camp out front of the apple store for three days in a fucking tent in 40 degree weather to get your new phone, and then imagine that in 9 months you’d be just as anxious to get rid of that very same phone. Does anyone else find this ridiculous besides me?

And let’s not forget the ever rotating roster of iPods, televisions, goPros, tablets, and laptops.

Cars

You’ve met the car whore, right? These people, usually men, change cars more often than they change their car’s oil. It’s too big or too small. Too slow, or not fuel efficient enough. Not enough storage, or a pain in the ass to parallel park. Whatever the reason, these people’s cars have a life cycle of 18-36 months. The second that lease expires, boom, new car.

Romantic Partners

I suppose this is worse than the car whore. You may notice I refer to a lot of things as whores in my various posts. Selfie whore, car whore, attention whore. But what about real whores? I get that in some areas like LA and NY being an actual whore is a rite of passage. Not knocking on casual dating. Or even casual sex. The people playing that game have a clear directive: DTF. They know they aren’t in it for the long haul, or even the short haul. The game is get laid and bounce, fair enough.

But what is up with serial daters? These people are incapable of not being in a relationship. There is no such thing as being single for them. They are eternally on the rebound. As soon as they are done with one relationship, they are immediately on the prowl for their next failed relationship. It doesn’t affect me at all. But I worry for these people, because they are constantly setting themselves up for emotional disaster. I wonder if they give actual relationships a fair shake, or if they duck and run the second things get a little shaky.

Fads

Another thing people are constantly cycling through is fads. More so now at an alarming rate than ever before. Forget tangible things like say consumer goods and ya know, human beings. People can’t even commit to a damn idea these days.

Gluten free, paleo diet, the green movement, the occupy movement, juicing, kale, acai, hands up don’t shoot, the ice bucket challenge, exercise, twerking, planking, Harlem shaking. These things are short lived fire crackers that ignited with a bang and disappeared just as quickly as they arrived.

Think about something like Snapchat, which literally is a photo or video taken and shared with the intent of being discarded in a matter of seconds.

In With the Old

Again, I’m not anti-change. But there’s something to be said when people are constantly getting new cars, clothes, boyfriends and girlfriends, gizmos and gadgets. They are so fidgety and anxious they are always bouncing from one thing to the next, never sticking with something long enough to really enjoy it.

People can’t listen to the radio without constantly changing the station. They can’t even listen to their own playlist without changing songs every two minutes before the current track is done.

I’ve been told my blog posts are too long, even though they would only make up 5-6 pages in a paperback novel.

When I found out about Robin Williams passing away two hours after it was announced, my friend informed me “that’s old news”. Old news? Really?

People are hanging out with one friend but ignoring them, because they’re too busy nose deep in their cell phone texting someone else.

Yeah, new can be cool. But what about things that are so good they are worth keeping around for a long time? Isn’t that worth even more? What about not moving so fast that everything worthwhile is instantaneously converted into yesterday’s garbage?

In with the new, out with the old?

Forget that. In with the old.

Culture, Pop Culture, Religion, Society

Merry Fucking Christmas

December 20, 2014 Andrew Leave a comment

As everyone probably knows, my mom is Jewish. However it may come to a lot of people’s surprise that growing up, we never had a “Hanukkah Bush” or a “Hanukkah Tree”. Yeah, we had a menorah on the mantle, but every year we also went to the tree lot and decorated it and put an angel on top, and my mom insisted to everyone that our tree was in fact a Christmas tree. Even as a non-Christian she never had a problem having a Christmas tree. And why should she?

I’m not particularly religious. I do believe in God, but I’m very secular. Not being a religious person, I can see how Christianity, or at the very least, Christmas, is constantly being put on defense here in the US.

You have a couple people constantly taking jabs at Christmas.

Happy Holidays Trolls

A lot of us have been conditioned to say “Happy Holidays” because of years of indoctrination from HR and PR people at work telling us it’s no longer acceptable to say Merry Christmas. Oh, and you’re fired if you say it at the holiday party on Friday. Did you get the memo?

How do I describe that there is nothing inherently wrong with saying Happy Holidays while at the same time acknowledging that it’s bullshit we must say it to avoid “offending” some uptight, over sensitive pussies? I guess I just did.

Hulk smash people who say Merry Christmas!!!

As stated above, my mom is Jewish. I can’t remember her ever getting bent out of shape when an unsuspecting neighbor would tell her “Merry Christmas!” but a lot of people do. Who are these trolls that sit and wait for the opportunity to pounce on well-intended people who had no idea you were lurking under your dick bridge? “We’re Scientologists in the household! Raw raw raw! You should say Happy Holidays!”

Asshole Atheists

Disclaimer, I don’t think all atheists are assholes. And not all atheists do this, but the ones that do are so incredibly fucking annoying and douche baggy about it they get their whole section.

Some atheists just like to shit all over everything remotely religious, especially Christian related, and especially during the holidays.

“What’s that? Merry Christmas? Don’t shove your religion down my throat! We’ll let me regurgitate to you my pre-rehearsed diatribe about how God isn’t real and you’re an idiot. Take that Christmas!”

Side note, they only like to do this to Christians for some reason. You’ll constantly hear atheists say “Christianity is the cause of X million deaths and blah blah blah, fuck your religion” right to a Christian during Christmas, but you’ll never hear them say that shit to a Muslim about Islam during Ramadan.

Let me also offer up that not all atheists share the urge to suck the life and joy out of the holidays. My girlfriend is an atheist and she LOVES Christmas. She says “Merry Christmas!”, and writes Christmas cards, puts up Christmas lights on her Christmas tree, and buys Christmas presents for her friends and family.

Counter Culture Fucktards

These people are more annoying than asshole atheists. They probably are closet atheists and just don’t want people to know, so they disguise their anti-religious garb as being strictly anti-consumerism, which everyone knows is a façade.

Come Christmas time, these fucktards will tell you alllllll about how Christmas has been hijacked, and how all things Christmassy are actually rooted in paganism, or were invented by Hallmark, and therefore you’re not even celebrating Christmas. What’s their end game here? Are they hoping everyone is going to be all “Oh my gosh, you’re right. Fuck me. I guess I’ll mope around during the holidays and be a miserable little twat like you. Thanks for nudge!”

"Well Christ wasn't even born on December 25th, wah wah wah, boo hoo" — “Well Christ wasn’t even born on December 25th, wah wah wah, boo hoo”

Like really, who the hell cares? For fucks sake, we get it. You don’t like Christmas and you’re too much of a pussy to come out and say it, so instead you have to shit all over Christmas trees, and Santa, and Rudolph, and giving presents. You’re counter culture and annoying as shit. We got it. Go suck a dick already.

Get Over It Already

You don’t have to be a Christian to like Christmas. It’s a cool holiday! During October everyone decks their home out to look like a horror movie. In December everyone decks their home in awesome lights, snow, and furry critters. It’s like EDC for a whole month, but with hot cocoa, and without the ecstasy. People actually hold open doors and use manners, and have parties, and listen to Christmas music, and have ugly sweater competitions, and play the elephant game. Parents get to spend quality time with their kids decorating trees, and get to watch their kids eyes light up. People get to hang out with their family, and maybe enjoy that new 70 inch TV they trampled an old lady for on Black Friday. Plus, all the amazing food, and time off work/school for most of us.

If you like Christmas, keep on keeping on, and don’t feel one ounce of guilt for doing so.

If you don’t like Christmas, that’s fine, you don’t have to.

And if you like to shit all over Christmas, get a life.

Have a Merry Fucking Christmas!

Culture, Life, Religion, Review, Society, TV Shows

My Take on Sons of Anarchy

December 14, 2014 Andrew Leave a comment

I’ve been an avid fan of Sons of Anarchy since it first aired back in 2008. SOA lasted a lot longer than people expected. Series creator Kurt Sutter originally didn’t plan on the show lasting any more than 3 seasons, but with record high ratings and level of viewers, the show was stretched out to 7 seasons. I would say that with the exception of Season 3, the entire series was amazing. Here is what the show is, and meant to me. (Spoiler alerts ahead).

Honest

Sons was dark, it was edgy, suspenseful, hilarious, bloody and violence, and at times it was even heartbreaking *cough Opie Cough*. Most importantly, it was honest and faithful. In that honesty, the show never pulled any punches. It didn’t take the easy route. It didn’t run your characters to the edge of a cliff and work up a nail biter, just to reel them back in like some bullshit CW TV show. Sons would kick him (or her) right off. Fan favorites, show veterans, women, and children. In Sons of Anarchy, nothing is sacred.

Sons of Anarchy is not dickless like Vampire Diaries

Faithful

It was faithful and ‘stuck to the script’. Kurt Sutter once had a quote on the SOA website blasting other studios for having no balls. SOA has balls. Big balls. They would go there. No other TV show would have had the balls to air anything remotely close to the Season 2 or Season 6 Premiers. It was also faithful to the viewers, and wouldn’t cut the story or viewers short, just to make filming easier. The 60 minute show would frequently air 75 or 90 minute episodes, usually 2 per season, the entire sixth season was 90 minute episodes, and the series finale crept up on two hours. Does your TV show do that?

Depth

If all you know about the show is what you’ve seen on the commercials or ads, then you haven’t the slightest idea what the show actually is. Get past the criminals, the bikes, beards, guns, skulls, and highways and show has a lot of meaning and depth to it, which I have explained below.

Religion

The show, and specifically the series finale was ripe with religious innuendo. The bread and the wine left by the homeless woman was obviously a reference to Jesus, and the sacrifice he made. Whereas Jesus sacrificed himself to cleanse the sins of his fellow man, Jax in his final days did the dirty work necessary to prevent his brothers from having to commit to sin at all. They get to live free of punishment, because of Jax’s actions. The way Jax died, arms spread out, also ringed of Jesus Christ. Heck, even Jax and Jesus both start with J, as did both of their father’s, John and Joseph. But that could be stretching.

Take this wine, this is my blood, which shall be given up for you.

Harbinger

After years of fans wondering “what’s the deal with that homeless lady?” Jax finally asked the question outright in the series finale.

Was she Death? Was she God? Time? I think she was Fate, but more importantly, she was a harbinger, or omen. She presented herself to numerous characters over the course of the show, but usually to Jax and Gemma. The common thread here is she always appeared just before a wave of change, such as before Jax’s mission to lead the club away from crime, or before his final rampage.

Death

The last thing the homeless women gave to Jax in their final encounter was her blanket, as if to give him comfort or solace. She knew what he was going to do, and that gesture reassured him of his path. Not only that, the blanket itself was instrumental in the execution (no pun intended) of his plan, before offing August Marks.

Most importantly, when Jax wore the blanket, he looked like the Grim Reaper – Death – which the show alluded to all the time. That was actually some scary shit.

Family

The show is all about family, and what you would do to protect them. I think this show’s answer to that question is “anything”. And what happens when one of your loved ones hurts another. The problem is that one man’s path to protect his family might cross paths with another, and when that happens, we witness anarchy.

This was no more evidenced than by Gemma’s longstanding and heated relationship with Tara, and their tug of war of influence over Jax and the kids.

Martyrdom

Martyrdom and self-sacrifice was as big a theme as any in this show. Jax and Juice selling their souls to protect the club. Tig sacrificing himself to avenge and protect his daughters. Gemma hiding her rape to keep up the morale of her family and the club. Tara sacrificing a promising career and future to love a criminal and raise his son from another woman.

But then there is the sacrifice. You know what I’m talking about. The moment that stands out tallest among them all: When Opie sacrificed himself to the prison guards to save his brothers. Without even any context, this scene was the most heart wrenching of the entire show. But why? Because Opie had already lost so much to the club. Of all the club members, he had spent the most time in prison because a fellow member betrayed him. Then Opie was set up to look like a rat, and in a case of mistaken identity his wife was viciously murdered at the hands of the club. Then, in an effort to cover it up, Opie’s father was also killed by the club president. It seems so unfair, because Opie had given so much already. But Opie also had nothing else to lose. The club was all he had, so for him self-sacrifice was the only move he had.

For those who are well read, Opie and this scene reminded me of the Boxer the horse, and what befell him, in George Orwell’s “Animal Farm”.

Anarchy

You’d think the Sons – given their name – would be all about anarchy, but they aren’t. The Sons actually have a very organized system set up for how they handle their affairs, and deal with members and insubordination.

Despite this, the Sons do land themselves in a handful of shitty situations that at times seem very chaotic. Chaos is the protagonist of the entire series. It is amazing how one misstep, one lie, one deception, one bullet, can result in such a devastating and endless series of events.

Yeah, Sons of Anarchy sounds cool. But I think the point of the club’s name is not so much to literally mean “children of chaos”, but more likely, that we are all the byproduct of chaotic situations. Jax Teller is the show’s biggest testimony to that, and despite his actions or best intentions, he couldn’t change himself or his club. As my friend Brett tells me, a rock cannot change the river.

David vs. Goliath

This ties back into the religious innuendo, but the underdog narrative also makes for good story telling in general.

In season one, the sons are a big fish in a small pond, operating unopposed in their small, fictional town of Charming, California. They are in the minor leagues, and their protagonists are a rival small time motorcycle club, a street gang in Oakland, and some skinheads. As the show moves on, the threats escalate, and the enemies the Sons encounter get bigger and badder.

The Sons graduate, and clash with skinheads, rival MCs, the Aryan Brotherhood, the ATF, the IRA, the Russian mobs, the Chinese mafia, crooked cops, sadistic US Marshalls, Mexican drug cartels, and even the CIA.

The World Keeps Spinning

With a lot of cunning, the Sons (usually) ended up on top, by the skin of their teeth.

I think the message of the show is to keep on keeping on. No matter what adversity you face. The problems, the troubles, the confusion. Do the best you can with what you have, work hard and push through to make the best life you can for yourself, your family, and your children.

We’ll always be remembered, but the world keeps spinning long after we’re gone.

Culture, Life, Society

Thankful

December 5, 2014 Andrew Leave a comment

With Thanksgiving a week behind us, this post might seem a little ill-timed, but the hell with it. I’m posting it anyway.

I have a ton to be thankful for. Some of those things are obvious like my health, a roof, food on my table, etc., and some are not so obvious, and I want to take some time to bring attention to them, and also bring attention to some of the people I am happy to have in my life.

My Parents

I am so thankful to have my parents. Not just parents, but my parents. My parents fucking rock. I wasn’t born super rich with a billion dollar trust fund to my name, but my parents always took care of me. Although divorced when I was very young, and even though they did not always agree, my parents had a unified front when it came to raising me. Many divorced or separated parents use their children as a bartering token, or form of leverage to enact revenge on their ex. My parents didn’t do that. When my (step)mom came on to the scene, she faced the obvious challenge of being a third wheel when it came to me. But if anyone asked me today, I would tell you have 1 dad and 2 moms. Not 1 mom and 1 stepmom. And my birth mother would agree with you. I’m fortunate to have been raised in a (very unusual) situation in which my parents were able to put parenting before politics. Something truly rare these days with divorced parents. Moms and Dad, I’m thankful for you.

My Enormous Family

Most of friends have but a glimpse of the size of my family. Let me break it down to you. As its height, I had 4 grandmas, 4 grandpas (yes 4 each), 2 moms, 1 dad, 1 brother, 1 sister, 9 aunts, 9 uncles, and 20 cousins. We’re unfortunately without Grandpa Hernandez at the time of writing this, but I’m still so happy to have my enormous crazy family.

Grandma’s house on Christmas and Thanksgiving was always the place to be. Drop in any random Wednesday and you’re bound to bump into a few cousins. Grandma would say I was “too flaco” and sit me down to eat something. Score.

There was the ever abundance of relatives keeping your ass in line. It truly takes a village to raise a kid. When I fucked up, and I did plenty, I had not just 1 or 2 relatives barking at me, I had a village of relatives lecturing me to not fuck up again. And for that, I am truly thankful.

My Good Family

Out of 25 grandkids in total, you figure at least one of us would have ended up on the wrong side of the law. Nope. To the best of my recollection, no arrests, no DUIs, no gang members, no domestic violence, no drug addictions, no alcoholism, none of that shit. Even an unfathomably low level of inter-family bickering.

Am I bragging? A little. But more importantly I’m thankful that our family instilled a sense of values into us. That none of us grew up to be low lives. That we all kept our shit together in rough times, and Grandpa passing was a very rough time. And that after all these years, our reunions still fill the house with noise and laughter.

My Role Models

I had a very big and diverse group of people who raised me, in addition to my three wonderful parents.

Fred, Todd, De Veau, Johnny and Tawny, Jeff, Steve, Tobie, Vicky, Enas, Mr. and Mrs. Diaz and countless others.

If you read this post, you know who you are. You helped mold me into the person I am today (for better of worse!). You all kept my ass in line when I was a kid and even now into my adulthood. You are all honorary parents of mine, and I am thankful for having you all in my life.

My Awesome Friends

Getting older is tough. People grow up, and grow apart, and admittedly it can be very sad. I prided myself on having a select group of close friends, vs. an endless list of “associates”. Here’s a quick shout out.

Jenny, Adriana, Anders, Becky S, Becky W, Brett K, Brett N, Brian, Candice, Fred, De Veau, Jon B, Jon VM, Louis, Melody, Nick, Ryan, Stephane, and TJ. (Please notice with the exception of Jenny that was all alphabetical, so no one getting butt hurt on me).

I haven’t kept in touch with all of you as much as I would like to, but I am nonetheless thankful to have you in my life.

My Upbringing

I’m thankful for the life lessons I was taught and raised with.

Family is important.

Respect your elders. Look out for your siblings and those younger, weaker, or less fortunate than you. Stay together no matter what.

Work hard.

Work ethic is very important. No, don’t waste your years working away, but also don’t be a lazy sack of shit. My grandparents worked their asses off for my parents. My parents worked their asses off for my siblings and me. And I’m gonna work my ass off to give my kids the life they deserve.

Do right.

From a young age I remember my mom and dad telling me to do the right thing. “Boy, always do the right thing”. Those words echo in my mind every day. Don’t rip people off to make a quick buck. Tip well. Share. Be charitable. It’s not that I’m righteous or holier than thou. I’m legitimately thankful I was raised to be that way, because not everyone was and it pisses me off.

Martinisms

My dad is Martin, and he taught me what I call “Martinisms”. Here are some of my favorite martinisms:

If the mind is weak, the muscle must grow.
Stupid hurts.
Two in the chest, one in the head. When in doubt, empty the clip. Bullets are cheap, life is expensive.

And of course I’m thankful for bacon and California burritos.

Seriously though, this Thanksgiving I had a lot to Thankful for. For those in my life I hope you all know how thankful and grateful I am that you are in it.

Happy belated Thanksgiving everyone!

Life, Pop Culture, Society

How Not to Use the Self-Checkout Lane

November 25, 2014 Andrew Leave a comment

What better inspiration for a blog than one’s firsthand experience of something incredibly annoying? Recently, I was at Albertson’s patiently waiting for one of the four self-checkout kiosks to become available. I waited in line for what felt like an eternity (6 minutes), because the four other patrons ahead of me had a combined IQ of 17.

When grocery stores first introduced the self-checkout kiosks, they were God’s gift to man. The inept, the decrepit, the fearful, the outright lazy, and parents with kids dared not venture into the strange land of do-it-yourself. Why spend time scanning groceries when there’s a kid 10 feet away perfectly willing to do it for me, and bag my groceries alphabetically.

But one day the unthinkable happened. The sky darkened. Stupid people became more brazen, and starting using self-checkout.

Self-checkout machines were not invented as a form of entertainment, or to raise your self-esteem. The whole point behind the self-checkout lane was (and still is!) for people with only a few items to get in and out as fast as possible. All the rules about how to use and how to not use the self-checkout kiosks boils down to one thing: Hurry the fuck up.

Have Payment and Sufficient Funds Ready

What better way to look like an ass than to be caught pants down at the kiosk, fumbling for your credit card or digging in your pockets for an extra 17 cents. The kiosk didn’t just pop out of nowhere and boom, suddenly you’re first in line and caught off guard. While you’re making your last pass down aisle 12 and begin making your way to the register, you should be getting your ducks in a row. As soon as you find yourself staring down that machine, you should be hitting the ground running, ready to scan, swipe, bag, and bounce.

Slow is Smooth, Smooth is Fast

A for effort for the people who try to be quick. But if you’re going so fast every other item doesn’t get scanned, then F for execution. You know in the slasher films where the girl is being chased by the killer, and she’s trying to unlock a door but she can’t, because her hands are so jittery she can’t even stick a key in a damn lock? That’s how you look when you try to be a show off at the self-checkout. Take it easy, and scan each item methodically. If you really want to be quick, remember this one piece of advice: Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

Frustrated People — The cause of mass shootings

No Alcohol

If you haven’t figured it out by now, every time you purchase alcohol a store rep has to come over, check your ID, and type in some authorization code that seems to take an eternity. Even though the store lets you, the unwritten law is don’t go to the self-checkout if you’re buying alcohol because it holds up the line. As a matter of fact, when at self-checkouts, don’t purchase alcohol, cigarettes, or any products that require you to present an ID or get help from a store clerk.

Alcohol on Shelves — No Alcohol at the self checkout!

No Produce

If what you’re buying needs to be weighed, or if you have to manually scroll through an endless list of different breeds of tomatoes, then you don’t belong in the self-checkout lane. Women tend to be the biggest offenders of this rule, probably because women are more likely to buy produce, and men are more likely to buy frozen pizzas. If you’re getting one banana, your sins are forgivable. If you’re into juicing, or it looks like Carmen Miranda is hiding in your basket, then you need to get in a regular line. The rule here is: If it has a bar-code then get it. If it requires a scale then forget it.

No Coupons

In this instance, women are the only offenders. Coupon collectors are already annoying enough as it is when you’re in a regular line with a skilled cashier who knows what the hell they’re doing. Imagine the frustration of everyone in line behind you as you un-crumple a million paper coupons and tediously scan each one. The whole point of the self-checkout is expedience, not thriftiness. If you want to use coupons, get your ass in the regular line.

Coupon whores don't belong in the self-checkout lane — Coupon whores don’t belong in the self-checkout lane

10 Items or Less

Yo mother fucker, I see you over there and that’s clearly 12 items.

Seriously though, be courteous. I’ve noticed people have started breaking the 10 items or less rule in the regular express checkout lane. It’s becoming the new speed limit. The sign says 65, but we all drive 70, and cops let you slide by without a ticket.

If you require the use of a shopping cart to hold your entire purchase, then you don’t belong in the self-checkout. Baskets only people!

This person does NOT belong in the self-checkout lane.

Leave the Kids at Home

This is a store, not kindergarten. If you can’t find a sitter, fine. But make sure your kids are well behaved, and most importantly, don’t let your kid use the machine. Yes, you win the parent of the year award for wanting to teach your toddler how to buy groceries, but when there’s a line of people behind you, set the kid aside and make haste. Kids are slow, and if they touch the wrong button or mess up the machine, then a clerk has to come over to bail you out. Teach your kid something useful like how to file taxes, and do it on your own time.

Kids Shopping — T-t-t-today junior! Leave your brats at home

Bag at the End

It sounds counter intuitive but from personal experience I’ve found it’s usually easier and faster if you bag your items after you’ve paid. When scanning, simply place the items on the weight tray. The kiosks usually take 5-10 seconds and the end of each transaction to process your cash or credit card payment. Use this time to two-birds-it and bag your groceries while the machine is wrapping up your purchase and printing the receipt.

Movies

Everything You Need to Know about Age of Ultron

November 5, 2014 Andrew 1 Comment

The comic book world went berserk last week when the official trailer for Marvel’s Avengers: Age of Ultron (AOU) was released. It went even crazier when the extended trailer showing the Big 4 of the Avengers and all their comrades gathered at Starks pad, drunkenly trying to lift Thor’s hammer, Mjölnir.

Let’s start with the extended trailer, which you can view below:

At 2 minutes and 30 seconds, this is most definitely an extended trailer. 150 seconds of lure and reeling, attention grabbing, blue balling amazement.

Let’s start from the beginning.

The Avengers New Robes, I mean Headquarters

In the opening scene, it’s safe to assume the Avengers are hanging out at Tony Stark’s pad, or somewhere in Stark Tower. This doesn’t seem like a huge deal, except that in the comics, Stark Tower was one of the official Avengers’ Headquarters. In the comics the most well known of the Avenger’s headquarters is Nick Fury’s flying fortress, formally known as the Helicarrier. The Helicarrier made its first appearance in The Avengers (2012), and then again in Captain America: Winter Soldier (2014).

Helicarrier in Comics vs Movies — Nick Fury’s Helicarrier in the comic books vs. in Avengers

In the comics, the Avengers then relocated to Stark Tower as their primary base of operations. Again, who cares, right? Wikipedia concisely summarized it nicely, by saying “The Avengers have relocated to Stark Tower, although it is unknown how permanent this move will be, especially in light of the events of Marvel’s Civil War storyline,”

Boom! Right there! Did you catch that?! No? Basically, this is foreshadowing Marvel Civil War, which is a huge story arc in the comic book. On top of that, Marvel has confirmed that that Civil War will be introduced into the MCU in Captain American 3, set for 2016. How close Marvel will stick to the comics is yet to be known, but we’ll definitely get a taste of it in AOU.

The Who’s Who

Get ready for one of those most star-studded casts ever. Marvel brought their A-team for this movie, and the who’s who is going to be there, including: Captain American, Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Black Widow, Hawkeye, War Machine, and Nick Fury, plus we’ll be adding Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver, and The Vision to the mix. Even Agent Hill (Cobie Smulders) is making an appearance.

If IMDB is to be trusted, we’ll also get to catch glimpses of Loki, Agent Peggy Carter, and Heimdall. Internet rumors also mention Natalie Portman reprising her role as Jane Foster. So whereas the first Avengers merely brought together the title characters of the respective franchises, the second Avengers will be bringing together secondary and tertiary characters as well.

Whether or not Falcon will make an appearance is yet to be confirmed. I enjoyed his character in Winter Soldier, and hope he at least makes an appearance, if not suits up entirely. I’m also crossing my fingers that Agent Coulson will break away from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. for a moment and finally come back onto the silver screen.

Captain America is Worthy

Were you paying close attention to the opening scene at Stark Tower? If you blinked you may have missed it. Hawkeye believes that the whole “being worthy” thing is some kind of a parlor trick. In an attempt to punk Thor – and rule Asgard – Tony Stark attempts to lift the hammer, followed by the remaining ensemble. For a brief moment, Steve Rogers (Captain America) actually managed to slightly move Mjölnir and the look on Thor’s face is priceless.

Captain America Lifting Thor's Hammer — You are (kinda) worthy!

Yeah, so what? This is tantamount to moving the sword in the stone. Remember, you have to be worthy. Say what you will about Cap, he’s a good guy, and certainly worthy. In fact, it is official Marvel canon that Steve Rogers did lift Mjölnir in the comic books. Will we get to see some Captain America -Mjölnir action in Age of Ultron? This screenshot from the trailer of Thor dropping his hammer foreshadows that maybe we will.

Trivia: When offered to try her luck at wielding the hammer, Black Widow replies “That’s not a question I need answered” assuming she would fail, but in the comic books she is one of the few people who has lifted it, alongside Cap.

There are No Strings on Ultron

This trailer was chock full of obvious Pinocchio references, for those who didn’t have a good childhood and steady dose of Disney movies growing up. When Ultron makes his first appearance as a ravaged Stark prototype, he says “How could you be worthy? You’re all puppets… tangled in strings.” That’s the pot calling the kettle black, as Ultron walks hunchbacked, tangled in electrical cables himself. Of course, I think he was being metaphorical.

But later in the trailer we see a more advanced, personalized version of Ultron, string free. In the final scene, Ultron says “There are no strings on me” which is a direct quote from a song on Disney’s 1940 animated film Pinocchio.

In fact, if you have an ear for it, you will have noticed that the creepy music playing in the background of the entire trailer actually is a rendition of “I’ve Got No Strings” from the animated Pinocchio film – albeit incredibly altered. Additionally, Disney owns the rights to Marvel and of course Pinocchio, so this is a clever injection of cross-branding.

Ultron Face Shot — “There are no strings on me.”

Who’s Pulling the Strings?

What was Ultron referencing when he made his crack about puppets and strings?

This was a jab at the Avengers, who have been toyed with frequently throughout the movies to do someone else’s dirty work, whether by Nick Fury, S.H.I.E.L.D., or HYDRA. Recall a couple events, such as when Loki tells Black Widow “You lie and kill in the service of liars and killers”, or in CAWS when Captain America claims “I’m getting a little tired of being Fury’s janitor”, or even all the way back to Iron Man, when Tony found out he had been designing weapons, that due to Obadiah Stane had been falling into the hands of terrorists. All of our heroes are starting to learn that it’s getting harder and harder to tell the good guys from the bad guys, and to know if you’re doing the right thing or not.

We’ve had some big baddies like Abomination, Red Skull, Hydra, Obadiah Stane, Justin Hammer, Aldrich Killian, Loki, Ronan, and now Ultron. But let’s not forget that Thanos, first revealed at the end of Avengers 1, has been quietly working away in the background. Thanos was the character behind Loki’s attack on New York, and Ronan’s quest for the 4^th Infiniti Stone in Guardians of the Galaxy. We know he’s pulling their strings, but is there anyone else in the Marvel Universe doing his bidding?

We also get a brief glimpse of Loki’s staff, which has the Mind Stone he used to possess Hawkeye. If there is an Infiniti Stone on Earth, Thanos or his goons won’t be far behind. Is it possible that Hydra is on the payroll? Probably not, but it’s a curiosity.

HYDRA's Baron Wolfgang von Strucker, sneak peak — Hail HYDRA!

The one thing we can almost be sure of, is that of all the villains, Ultron has no ulterior motive. He’s acting on his own.

Ultron Then and Now

In the comics, Ultron was created by Hank Pym, AKA Ant Man. In AOU, it’s commonly accepted, and quite obvious, that Ultron is the creation of Tony Stark. This was a huge leap for comic book purists, but from a movie stand point, and from a practical story telling standpoint this was the logical decision to make.

Ultron from the comics

Recall Iron Man 2, in which Justin Hammer created an army of un-manned suits, inspired by the Iron Man armor. Then in Iron Man 3, Tony Stark created his own collection of un-manned suits, each with a different purpose or specialty. These suits also had a slight degree of autonomy and decision making abilities. A common thread in all the films with Iron Man has been the presence of Tony’s artificial intelligence personality, Jarvis, or J.A.R.V.I.S. My guess is that Tony attempted to make more suits based on his own, with autonomy and AI based on Jarvis. Some how, the programming became self-cognitive and manifested itself into Ultron.

Ultron Full Body Shot — Ultron besides Scarlett Witch and Quicksilver

To the best of anyone’s knowledge, Hank Pym/Ant Man does not make an appearance in AOU, but Marvel has in fact confirmed that there will be an Ant Man movie starring Paul Rudd and Michael Douglass, slated for theaters July 17, 2015.

How will Marvel Cinematic Universe tie Ant Man into the Ultron story line is any one’s guess. We’ll just have to wait and see on that one.

Another piece of trivia for the road: In the comics, Ultron at one point constructed himself of adamantium, the same nearly indestructible metal used in Wolverine’s claws and skeleton. Disney does not have the rights to the X-Men, and Fox does, so it is very likely that Marvel will tweak the story and substitute adamantium for vibranium, the same material found in Cap’s shield.

Hulkbuster

I mentioned Iron Man 3 and Tony’s extensive collection of custom suits. It was rumored when IM3 was released that one of those suits could have been the notorious Hulkbuster Armor. In the comics, Tony Stark devised a special suit of armor that was incredibly strong, for the sole purpose of being able to subdue the Hulk, should his rage ever become uncontrollable and pose a danger to the public.

Marvel finally blew its load and gave audiences what it has been begging for, and they didn’t fail to impress!

This is cool and all, but it poses as many questions as it answers. Comic book fans finally got to see the Hulkbuster armor, so the next question is, will we get to see the World War Hulk story line played out?

Long story short, in the comics the Hulk goes berserk and endangers a lot of people. To prevent similar tragedies from reoccurring, S.H.I.E.L.D. sends Banner/Hulk into space with the intention of marooning him on an abandoned planet, where he can’t harm anyone. As fate would have it, Hulk accidentally crash lands on a planet called Sakaar with intelligent life. There, he is thrown into a gladiatorial type slave fighting arena. He fights his way through the ranks, leads a rebellion, and eventually becomes king of that planet.

The story may seem farfetched, but with Marvel releasing the interstellar Guardians of the Galaxy, blowing the lid off Thanos, and diving deeper into the space bound realm of Thor/Asgard, a spacebound Hulk story might be workable. Especially if they could use the story to intersect the Guardians and Avengers franchises, for an eventual team up against Thanos in Avengers 3 or Guardians 2.

Everyone Hates Tony Stark

Movie audiences love the fast talking Tony Stark. But comic book fans historically do not, and neither do the fictional characters of the Marvel Universe. MCU seems to be on par with the comics in this regard.

Rogers and Stark get into Argument — Ripping phonebooks in half is so lame.

Iron Man vs Hulk — Hulk SMASH metal man!

Tony can't lift Mjolnir — Even Mojilnir hates Tony Stark

Looking Past Ultron and the Avengers

Ultron may be a bad ass villain, and off the charts compared to his villainous predecessors, but he is hardly the last of the Avenger’s concerns. Avengers: Age of Ultron is not the last Avengers movie Marvel will make. It’s not even the second to last Avengers movie they’ll make. Marvel has at least 10 more movies set for theaters between now and 2028, all part of the same continuity/canon known as the Marvel Cinematic Universe or MCU.

We’re going to see a lot more of the current lineup. Captain America, Thor, and Guardians all have sequels coming up. Marvel is also going to be introducing a lot of new characters, and it’ll be interesting to see if they pop up in the upcoming Avengers. The list of potentials is Steven Strange / Dr. Strange, Hank Pym / Ant Man, Black Panther and even The Inhumans, all which have been officially confirmed movies. Might one of these heroes come out of the wood work to help save the world from Ultron?

In all likelihood, Marvel will tie in to Ant Man, somehow. He might not be credited with creating Ultron, luckily for him, but considering his movie is coming out just two months after AOU and will still be fresh in everyone’s memories, he should at least get an honorable mention in AOU which then leads into his backstory.

The Long Haul

One thing is for certain, Marvel has pulled out all the stops. This will be the first time since the last Avengers that audiences will get to the Bruce Banner Hulked out. This movie is also paving the way for the Captain America-Iron Man fueled Marvel Civil War. And we’re almost doubling the number of heroes we’ll get to see in a single movie.

We’ve got 7 nail biting months until Avengers: Age of Ultron hits theaters in May 2015. In that time I have no doubt we’ll learn more about the movie by way of trailers, posters, interviews with Marvel insiders/actors, and of course the occasional leaked video.

Life, Pop Culture, Society

The New Whores of the 21st Century

November 1, 2014 Andrew Leave a comment

Long gone are the days of Sodom and Gomorrah. You pedal your ass on the street corner and still call yourself a whore? That is so 1990’s. No, no, no. I’m not talking about actual whores / prostitutes / hookers. Whores have evolved since then. In fact, the word “whore” no longer exclusively refers to someone who sells sexual favors for money. In today’s common usage, a whore can be anyone who over indulges in something – usually something incredibly annoying. It can also mean women or men. Let me now introduce you to the new whores of the 21^st Century!

Selfie Whore

The term Selfie didn’t exist last century. In fact, it was first coined in 2005, making it less than a decade old at the time of this writing. But despite selfies being so young, they have gained tons of popularity and notoriety in the “social media” world.

Now, don’t confuse a selfie with a self-portrait, as there is a huge difference. Self-portraits have been around for centuries, are tasteful, and are intended to accurately depict what’s going on. Selfies are more of a disease, in which the selfie taker feels the compulsion to take pictures of themselves from exaggerated angles and lighting, in weird or inappropriate places, poised with stupid faces, to deceive the viewer of said selfie. They also look incredibly ridiculous while attempting to take the selfie.

Just take this girl for example.

Instagram Whores

When selfie whores graduate, they rank up to become full on Instagram Whores. Why stop at taking photos of yourself, when you can take photos of absolutely everything?! Duck faces and bathroom shots are so amateur. Instagram whores have mastered the craft of taking photos of their legs, their food, their pregnant belly, the sky, and their friends’ shoes in a circle.

Remember when you’d go to Disneyland with your friends, and there would be an Asian tourist aiming their camera directly at the ground, taking a photo of the asphalt? And you would ponder to yourself “What the fuck are they taking a picture of?” We’ll fear not, because taking pictures of dumb shit has officially become the cultural norm.

Man photgraphing the ground — I’m getting the angle juuuuuuusssstttt right.

I think The Oatmeal described it best, with this list of 7 things you really don’t need to take a photo of.

Filter Whores

An off shoot of the Instagram Whore is the notorious Filter Whore. As if taking pictures of dumb shit wasn’t enough, these people have to lie about the dumb shit they are taking photos of by applying wanna-be Photoshop filters on every photo they take.

Another recent phenomenon is the use of the hashtag #nofilter. I find this particularly interesting, because people feel the need to clarify “This time, I’m not lying”. First of all, it’s interesting because most of the time people use #nofilter they are in fact still using a filter. “Oh right, I’m supposed to believe the sky is orange in your neighborhood, and over here at my house 4 miles away it’s blue.”

Beautiful sunset! #nofilter riiiiiiiiiiigghhhhtt

I have a novel idea. How about when you don’t use a filter, you simply don’t tag your photo, and when you do use a filter, you fess up and tell everyone what filter you are using.

Hashtag Whore

That gives us a nice, smooth transition into the topic of the Hashtag Whore. Taking photos of yourself at weird angles, dumb shit, and even lying about it is not enough. No sir! The truly committed whores have also reveled in the dark arts, and learned of a new evil: The Hashtag.

Again, I’m not against hashtags. Their original function was pretty nifty, actually. By hashtagging a photo, you allow other web-goers to find similarly tagged photos and posts they may be interested in. It’s like a crowd sourced search engine. Fair enough.

But then, the true hashtag whores came out of the wood work and do this.

Attention Whore

If someone has mastered all of the above, then they are officially an Attention Whore. Attention whores engage in social media, but not to be social. Their entire existence revolves around the never ending need to seek out attention from everyone and everything by any means possible. Facebook? Sure. Instagram? Of course. Selfies? Who doesn’t! Pictures of your food? Because taste buds are so old fashioned! Filters? Reality isn’t good enough. GoPro? I’m a hero! Hashtags? The cherry on top.

Nothing is too small, stupid, or pointless to share with the world for this group. Expect pictures of everything and anything. The food, the sky, themselves, their feet, their legs, how they look in the morning, traffic conditions, their reflection, their food before they eat it, their food after they eat it, their dog, their cat, their baby, their baby bump, sunsets, and sunrises.

Why enjoy things for the simple sake of enjoying them, when you can rub them in everyone’s face? If it exists, by golly, they’ll post that shit to Facebook and tag it to death. But fear not! If not enough people Like it, they’ll delete that shit and post it again tomorrow.

Go Fuck Your Selfie — Go Fuck Your #Selfie

Life

The People in Your Life

October 31, 2014 Andrew Leave a comment

Some of my blogs are inspired by recent events like what’s on the news, or by something I had been dwelling on for days or even weeks prior before getting the nudge I needed (and a spare 45 minutes) to sit down and write about it.

This post is inspired by – but not about – a dream. This dream was intense because almost everyone I know or knew was in it. People from various circles of friends, and relatives from different families, and people from different times (or decades) of my life, all hodge-podged into a single dream. I couldn’t tell you what it was about, but it felt like going through 20 years of photo albums in one go.

I woke up, mind on fire. I’ve met so many people. So many interesting people. So many different people. They didn’t all have to be from different continents, from exotic places, speaking different languages. What makes them interesting and stand out in my mind is the vast difference in personalities a lot of them had. There were so many archetypes and personality types from opposite ends of the spectrum that my Rolodex of friends, family and acquaintances could fill the pages of an award winning TV series. Something important that I realized is that they were all there for a reason. Or at least, they all served a valuable purpose, whether I keep in touch with them today or not.

The people in your life all have a purpose. They each fall into one of two camps: They are there to either teach you what to do, or they are there to teach you what not to do.

Messy People

Some people are going to be messy, dirty, or unsanitary. Their purpose is to teach you to be clean, pick up after yourself, and to take good care of yourself and your surroundings. Take care of your personal hygiene. Exercise and take good care of your body. Take care of your environment, whether it’s your kitchen, bedroom, or car. Take care of the environment by not littering, not throwing your cigarette ashes out the window, and making as small a footprint as possible.

Punctual People and Late People

Some people are going to be punctual, and their purpose is to teach you to do the same. Punctuality means more than showing up on time. It means RSVPing to let people know you’ll be attending at all, and doing it in a timely manner as well. Admittedly this is an area I can improve in, and have been actively improving in.

Other people are going to be habitually late, or slow to act. Their purpose is to instill patience in you. Many events are time sensitive. Many are not. Know how to tell the difference, and only rile yourself up when absolutely necessary. Showing up 10 minutes late to a wedding is worth an earful. Showing up an hour late to a football party is not.

People with No Drive

You’ll undoubtedly cross paths with your fair share of lazy, un-driven people. How this laziness manifests can take many forms. It can be in the form of a serial couch surfer who spends hour after hour, day after day, month after month, watching way too much TV, not progressing in areas of hobbies and interest, employment, or self-improvement. This is one of the single most important types of people you can meet. They stand as a cautionary tale of what not to do. Every time you sit down to watch TV, no matter how well deserved it may be after pulling 3 hours of overtime, you’ll second guess whether or not it’s worth it.

This group of do-nothings serves a very valuable second purpose in your life, and that is to teach you to help others. It’s not your job to fix people, but every once in a while everyone can use a little help or word of encouragement. Some praise, suggestions, or motivational counsel can go a long way. Learn to reach out to others who may be in need of help. If you can help them, great. If not, then at least you know you tried.

Stressful People

I know a thing or two about stressful people. Actually, without knowing you, I can bet you my left leg that I know more about stressful people than you ever will. These panicking, high blood pressure inducing individuals will be one of your greatest life challenges. Everyone stresses over big things like cancer, IRS audits, colonoscopies, going for 4^th down, and being kidnapped by ISIS terrorists.

Stressful people stress over things like where to eat breakfast, a flat tire, a $5 late fee, burnt toast, spilled milk, someone else’s marital problems, the color of the sky, and how far you’ve driven since they last called you 15 minutes ago.

Learning how to deal with stressful people is one of the single most invaluable skills you can master. I consider myself a double black belt in this martial art, meaning I out rank Batman.

Seriously though, stress is a killer. Stress can ruin weddings, funerals, parties, social outings, careers, friendships, and marriages. If you let stress be the prevailing emotion, you will surely be miserable. Despite how crappy or dire the situation, taking it in stride will ultimately determine your happiness.

You can’t always avoid these people like the plague, especially when they are family. But you can learn how to not get sucked into their tornado of stress, and make yourself an anchor of calm amidst their stressful storm.

Snobs

Whoever first uttered the phrase “The suit doesn’t make the man. The man makes the suit.” Was a true genius. You can learn a lot from snobs. Some snobs, as snobby as they are, actually know a thing or two about their particular snobecialty, be it watches, or wine, or audio equipment. And that’s all fine and dandy. But the most important thing you can learn about snobs is this: Don’t be one.

You can drive yourself crazy heeding the insult laden, condescending advice of snobs. You’re drinking the wrong wine. You’re driving the wrong car. You’re watching the wrong movies, and you’re wearing the wrong shoes.

A $1,500 pair of Oxfords says nothing good about you. It doesn’t say that you have class. It doesn’t say you have good style. It doesn’t say you support quality. It doesn’t even say you are wealthy, or make good money. All it says is you spent an exorbitant amount of money on something you could have paid considerably less for.

Don’t spend your life trying to live up to the expectations of snobs. Remember, the suit doesn’t man the man. The man makes the suit.

Conclusion

You’re going to come across many different types of people in your life. Some will come and go, others will stick around for a while, and others will be with you ‘til the very end. Some people should be emulated, others should be a cautionary tale, and others should be avoided like the plague entirely.

Regardless of which category they fall into and how long they are in your lives, the people in your life all serve a valuable purpose. Learn from them.