The Cold Hard Truth about Beauty and the Beast

Okay, let’s set the record straight on Beauty and the Beast. I loved the Disney movie since I was a kid, but come to think of it, I have a bone to pick with a few things.

Despite common misconceptions, Gaston is not the villain in Beauty and the Beast. In fact, some might even argue he was the unsung hero of the movie. Yeah, maybe he’s a weeeee bit misogynistic and self centered, but to say he’s the villain of the movie is definitely over reaching.

For in town there's only she, who's as beautiful as me.
For in town there’s only she, who’s as beautiful as me.

Let’s get down to business.

He has Good Manners

Oh, you thought Gaston was rude? You’re so ignorant. Read a book already. While your bigoted self was bumping along to Belle, you may have missed the part where Gaston exhibited his amazing manners “Pardon… ‘Scuse me… Please let me through”

Gaston is the classic gentleman
Gaston is the classic gentleman

He’s Faithful

True, he never successfully wooed Belle, but he was faithful to the idea of being in a relationship with her. At the very least, it’s safe to say he wasn’t a philanderer. Remember those three banging blonde chicks who were always drooling all over him? Gaston could have had any of them, or all of them, but instead he had his sights fixed on Belle and only Belle. Is that true love or what?

Three banging blondes
Three banging blondes

He’s Strong

He can lift three women above his head, with one arm. You won’t even find a Cirque De Solei performer who can do that.

He can break a leather belt by flexing his neck muscles. Leather, by the way, has a tensile strength of 1800 PSI, and those are conservative estimates.

And what about the casual one-hand push-ups?

He even went toe-to-toe with the Beast in hand to hand combat.

He’s Not Afraid of Commitment

Most women complain that men aren’t willing to commit to a long term relationship. Gaston proposed to Belle and even threw her a wedding, and despite customs he knew her family was struggling financially so he paid for the entire thing himself. Talk about chivalry.

Commitment? No problem.
Commitment? No problem.

He’s Very Talented

He can juggle up to six eggs at a time without cracking them, plus an egg basket.

He's roughly the size of a barge.
He’s roughly the size of a barge.

He’s got a good vocabulary. Do you know what expectorating means?

He can fire a musket three times without reloading, which is actually impossible. So on top of everything else, Gaston might be magical.

He’s a Pillar of the Community

It’s quite clear that all the villagers look up to Gaston, not only as a source of leadership, but as a source of protection. He’s arguably the best hunter in the world, and it’s his job to keep the villagers safe from wolves, criminals, and other dangers.

Imagine this scenario. The townsfolk find out there is a dangerous monster who is beating and starving women, and locking people in dungeons. He already has two victims under his belt, and who’s to say there won’t be more?

Gaston bravely leaps into action, rallying the town and summoning their courage to confront the monster threatening their town. Does Paul Revere ring a bell?

The British are- er... the Beast is coming!
The British are- er… the Beast is coming!

And more importantly, let’s not forget who asked Gaston to go to the castle and rescue Belle from the Beast. It was Belle’s father, Maurice.

The Beast is no Saint

Beast may have got the girl in the end, but just because he was romantically opposed to Gaston doesn’t suddenly make him the hero of the movie. While people say Gaston tried to imprison Belle and Maurice, it was more like house arrest. After all, they were placed in their own basement, and for a few minutes at most.

Let’s not forget that the Beast successfully imprisoned both of them, and kept Maurice a prisoner for weeks. Beast only agreed to free Maurice go, if Belle agreed to take his place, with the intention that one day the Beast might get some giggidy time with her. That’s not just sexual harassment, it’s quite possibly sexual predation.

Gaston is the bad guy? Riiiiiiggghhhhhttt.
Gaston is the bad guy? Riiiiiiggghhhhhttt.

And of course there is the physical abuse, the forced starvation, the verbal abuse, the elder abuse, and the horrible work conditions suffered upon his employees. Come to think of it, the Beast is actually an asshole.

What about Belle?

On one hand, she had Gaston. A local boy who worked hard and trained to master the art of manliness and become the ideal provider and protector any woman would dream of. He constantly threw himself at Belles feet only to be rejected repeatedly.

Yay! Spousal abuse is totally worth wealth and luxury!
Yay! Spousal abuse is totally worth wealth and luxury!

In the end, Belle choose a man who was abusive in every way conceivable. Why? Because he’s filthy rich, and lives in a giant house with maids and servants to spoil her rotten.

That should come as no surprise to anyone. Here’s a clue, in the opening scene/song of the movie, Belle refers to living in a “poor provincial town” and talks about how she despises it. So Belle doesn’t like poor people, and she considers anyone from a small town to be a hillbilly idiot. Bigot much?

In conclusion, Belle is an entitled, classist, gold digging whore, and Gaston is the fucking man.

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