As everyone probably knows, my mom is Jewish. However it may come to a lot of people’s surprise that growing up, we never had a “Hanukkah Bush” or a “Hanukkah Tree”. Yeah, we had a menorah on the mantle, but every year we also went to the tree lot and decorated it and put an angel on top, and my mom insisted to everyone that our tree was in fact a Christmas tree. Even as a non-Christian she never had a problem having a Christmas tree. And why should she?

I’m not particularly religious. I do believe in God, but I’m very secular. Not being a religious person, I can see how Christianity, or at the very least, Christmas, is constantly being put on defense here in the US.

You have a couple people constantly taking jabs at Christmas.

Happy Holidays Trolls

A lot of us have been conditioned to say “Happy Holidays” because of years of indoctrination from HR and PR people at work telling us it’s no longer acceptable to say Merry Christmas. Oh, and you’re fired if you say it at the holiday party on Friday. Did you get the memo?

How do I describe that there is nothing inherently wrong with saying Happy Holidays while at the same time acknowledging that it’s bullshit we must say it to avoid “offending” some uptight, over sensitive pussies? I guess I just did.

As stated above, my mom is Jewish. I can’t remember her ever getting bent out of shape when an unsuspecting neighbor would tell her “Merry Christmas!” but a lot of people do. Who are these trolls that sit and wait for the opportunity to pounce on well-intended people who had no idea you were lurking under your dick bridge? “We’re Scientologists in the household! Raw raw raw! You should say Happy Holidays!”

Asshole Atheists

Disclaimer, I don’t think all atheists are assholes. And not all atheists do this, but the ones that do are so incredibly fucking annoying and douche baggy about it they get their whole section.

Some atheists just like to shit all over everything remotely religious, especially Christian related, and especially during the holidays.

“What’s that? Merry Christmas? Don’t shove your religion down my throat! We’ll let me regurgitate to you my pre-rehearsed diatribe about how God isn’t real and you’re an idiot. Take that Christmas!”

Side note, they only like to do this to Christians for some reason. You’ll constantly hear atheists say “Christianity is the cause of X million deaths and blah blah blah, fuck your religion” right to a Christian during Christmas, but you’ll never hear them say that shit to a Muslim about Islam during Ramadan.

Let me also offer up that not all atheists share the urge to suck the life and joy out of the holidays. My girlfriend is an atheist and she LOVES Christmas. She says “Merry Christmas!”, and writes Christmas cards, puts up Christmas lights on her Christmas tree, and buys Christmas presents for her friends and family.

Counter Culture Fucktards

These people are more annoying than asshole atheists. They probably are closet atheists and just don’t want people to know, so they disguise their anti-religious garb as being strictly anti-consumerism, which everyone knows is a façade.

Come Christmas time, these fucktards will tell you alllllll about how Christmas has been hijacked, and how all things Christmassy are actually rooted in paganism, or were invented by Hallmark, and therefore you’re not even celebrating Christmas. What’s their end game here? Are they hoping everyone is going to be all “Oh my gosh, you’re right. Fuck me. I guess I’ll mope around during the holidays and be a miserable little twat like you. Thanks for nudge!”

Like really, who the hell cares? For fucks sake, we get it. You don’t like Christmas and you’re too much of a pussy to come out and say it, so instead you have to shit all over Christmas trees, and Santa, and Rudolph, and giving presents. You’re counter culture and annoying as shit. We got it. Go suck a dick already.

 

Get Over It Already

You don’t have to be a Christian to like Christmas. It’s a cool holiday! During October everyone decks their home out to look like a horror movie. In December everyone decks their home in awesome lights, snow, and furry critters. It’s like EDC for a whole month, but with hot cocoa, and without the ecstasy. People actually hold open doors and use manners, and have parties, and listen to Christmas music, and have ugly sweater competitions, and play the elephant game. Parents get to spend quality time with their kids decorating trees, and get to watch their kids eyes light up. People get to hang out with their family, and maybe enjoy that new 70 inch TV they trampled an old lady for on Black Friday. Plus, all the amazing food, and time off work/school for most of us.

If you like Christmas, keep on keeping on, and don’t feel one ounce of guilt for doing so.

If you don’t like Christmas, that’s fine, you don’t have to.

And if you like to shit all over Christmas, get a life.

Have a Merry Fucking Christmas!