Game of Thrones: Season Finale Review

SPOILER ALERTS! BE WARNED!

Oh, and profanity, a lot of that ahead too.

Like every other person on the planet with a TV and pirated access to HBOGO, I just watched Game of Thrones’ Season 5 season finale.

Here’s what I got to say, in a nutshell:

Arya Stark is a Champ

Arya Stark is a mother fucking champ. Did you see how she took that beating with the stick without a wince? And then she pounces up and stabs that douche bag right in the face? That was one of those Bob Barker coming back from the dead and beating up Happy Gilmore type moments. Just when you aren’t sure what’s about to happen, she springs to life and pounces on you like a tiger!

Arya was my # 1 favorite character of the episode.

The price is wrong, bitch!

Cersei Lannister deserved what happened to her

If Cersei hasn’t been a total bitch the entire series this episode might have been hard to watch, but it wasn’t. She got what she deserved. She probably deserved worse, actually.

Can we please get an encore?

Myrcella Baratheon did not

Man, Ellaria Sand is such a bitch. Like really. Yeah, Oberyn dying was a low point for me in the series. But he wasn’t murdered or anything. He sorta signed himself up for a death match against a guy called The Mountain, and got his head crushed in fair and square.

So her revenge is… take it out on a girl who knows jack about jack?

Given, Myrcella wasn’t anyone’s favorite character but killing her was unnecessary, stupid and is probably going to start a war now.

Ellaria Sand

Would someone kill this bitch already?

Bitchy McBitcherson

Tyene Sand and Bronn

Tyene Sand is legit. She’s crazy. But she’s legit.

Bronn is legit too. A dick, but legit.

I like the Tyene-Bronn romance we got going on. I’m hoping to see some more action between these two. If the Lannisters don’t go to war with Martells and force them to kill each other first. Which would be some Mr. and Mrs. Stuff sex violence stuff, so I guess it’s a win win either way.

Stannis Baratheon

Who didn’t see this guys fall coming? He’s an asshole that few people like, he’s a religious fanatic who chops off his best friends fingers, kills his own brother, and burns his daughter alive. If his army wasn’t slaughtered in the field, they would have eventually mutinied against him or just been all “fuck this guy…” and left in the middle of the night.

Brienne of Tarth

She finally got to exact justice for the murder of Remly Baratheon. Except, ya know, Stannis was already dying in a pool of his own blood and shit. And, well… it took her 4 goddamn seasons to find him.

But score one for Brienne! Now her true moment of redemption will be if/when she ever saves Sansa Stark.

Brienne was my # 3 favorite character of the episode.

Christian Grey

Err… I mean Ramsay Bolton. When is someone gonna kill this fucking guy already? Granted I don’t think he’s as bad as Geoffrey (yet) but still, we got no closure on this character in the last episode. Hopefully Brienne of Tarth gets to him before he gets to Sansa.

Sansa Stark

She was never my fave, but she earned pity points after that scene a couple episodes back. The girl’s strong, I’ll give her that. And she’s no longer an idiot like she was in the first four seasons, so it’s been less annoying to watch her this season.

Oh, and a lot of people were probably wondering how she planned on surviving a jump off a six story castle wall… It’s been snowing like crazy in Winterfell. There’s probably 7-8 feet of fresh powder at the bottom of the wall. Her and Reek/Theon will be just fine. Cold as hell, but fine.

Theon  Greyjoy

He had a moment of redemption saving Sansa and throwing that jelly hoe off the balcony to her much needed death.

Is it weird that Theon is my # 2 favorite character of this episode?

Well he is. Suck it.

The Daenerys Entourage

I’ll be stoned for this one, but Daenerys isn’t really all that interesting. Her entourage is super cool, but she’s kinda meh.

Better than HBO’s other Entourage.

She definitely inspires a lot of awe, but of alllll the characters in the show, is she really on anyone’s top 3 list of people they would want to have a beer with?

(BTW, my list for drinking buddies goes Tyrion, Bronn, and that assassin dude, Daario Naharis.)

Anywho, I’m glad Jorah Mormont is back in the picture. That dude is hardcore. It’ll be interesting to see how Tyrion adjusts to his new position in charge of Meereen. Oh, and Greyworm is up and about! WOOHOO!

Last but not least….

Jon motherfuckin’ Snow

What…. the…. fuck? Seriously? Just like that? Valar Morghulis be damned!!!!!

But I don’t think he’s actually dead. Here’s why.

That super hot, super crazy Lord of Light chick, Melisandre, has had the hots for Jon Snow since she first met him this season. She’s always eye raping him and she tried to actually rape him just a few episodes back.

We also know that the Lord of Light has brought people back from the dead in this show. Remember that one eyes dude from the Lord of Light clan who was killed by the hound? He was brought back to life… like 8 times!

Plus, we all kind of suspect that Jon has some royal blood in him. Whether it’s Baratheon, Stark, Targaryen or some combination thereof.

AND, we know that Melisandre is now at Castle Black, she arrived there shortly before Snow was betrayed.

I bet $20 Melisandre brings him back from the grave. And then I hope he goes town on all the people who betrayed him, including the kid Olly.

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